There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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