I need to stop coming to work sober
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
