When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize