I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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