dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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