OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
