I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
