i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
