Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
