ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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