i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
