and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
