too bad you live with your parents still
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Boobs speak an international language.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
