He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
