She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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