just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
