She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
