my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
