I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
