apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sorry my hands just texted you
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
