foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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