For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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