WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
