You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Can Purell be used as lube?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
