dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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