hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
