I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
