She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
