A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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