i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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