I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize