I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
