She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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