i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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