ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
