If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
