So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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