Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
