that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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