i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
