I didn't shave. On purpose
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
