the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
