you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
