I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You ruined the universe
Randomize
