i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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