I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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