so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
