God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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