so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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