My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
