Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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