When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
