U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
