I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
