i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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