P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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