hotel room ftw
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
