did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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