I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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